Writing through (my) pain (Part 2) (Or, finding hope in help and humor.)

In Part 1 of this blog series, I wrote at length about my (unhappy) downward spiral into chronic pain. These are difficult blogs for me to write (I feel like I'm exposing the soft underbelly of the turtle!), but not only have I promised to be authentic to you, my reader, but I know there are a lot of people who can relate all too well. I hope I can help, even a little.

I mentioned Kurt, my accountability partner, and his philosophy to squeeze life like a lemon. After he convinced me to write about my experience, I got determined to find ways that can realistically help me stay motivated and positive while, well, suffering. Because like everyone else, I want a life.

Finding help

As I began to do research about pain management, I was somewhat initially discouraged by the number of sites that said “get a good night’s sleep” and “try relaxation techniques.” (Ok, but what do you do when sleep is elusive and just taking a deep breath is difficult and triggers pain?)

But as I dug deeper, I discovered many wonderful suggestions about the benefits of cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT)*, pain management clinics (and when to visit one), and managing the close connection between pain and mental health. I also came across the Northern Pain Centre in Australia. They have very realistic ideas, (incidentally, none of which includes getting a good night’s sleep, as they seem to know great sleep is likely impossible when you’re suffering). Among other things, they suggest practical applications of what looks strikingly similar to CBT: 

• Learn from yesterday to understand what went well, what didn’t, and adjust accordingly. 

• Keep it simple and give yourself grace to (re)build confidence

• Remember your goals and write lists to track yourself - but don’t beat yourself up if you miss something; it’s all a process. Just modify each goal into an even simpler, more doable step.

• Take short, frequent breaks when you can, and preferably before pain begins to flare up. 

That last bullet point is definitely the hardest for me; I overdo it far too often in the name of “just this one more thing then I’ll lay down.”

Even if it’s simple things that we might normally never think about - like walking upstairs to get a sweater, or noticing that there’s a small pile of clothes I should bring to the laundry room, or finishing putting the dishes into the dishwasher - added together, those three activities result in tremendous pain. Instead, I should concentrate on doing just one or two at at time, rest, and resume.

Calvin has no problem dropping everything for a nap.

Letting go

Interestingly, many sites don’t mention what I would think as the most important strategy in managing pain (even if I’m pathetic at it myself): asking for help.  It’s hard not to be a martyr! It's hard to be vulnerable, needy, exposed. We all want to be independent and do everything on our own!

But asking for help can, by itself, help you heal faster, simply by virtue of you not overdoing your activities. When you do ask, or if someone asks what they can do for you, be specific! 

For me, my need for help has come down to simply letting go. three basic things: 1) normal house projects I might do, 2) daily chores, and 3) driving. Across each of these categories, my family has been an incredible help. Frankly, house projects have simply gone by the wayside for now - landscaping, painting the bathroom, decluttering the basement...it can all wait. As for chores, my boys, Indy and Finn, are (much to their chagrin) already responsible for many chores and they’ve (ahem, mostly) stepped up to make my life easier. (Let’s be real, they’re young boys.) Driving has been the biggest challenge, but Kevin (who is busy enough at his own job) and my mother have been godsends, changing their schedules to pick up driving since, quite simply, I can’t do it.

For right now. That's the key to it all. To believe, deep down, that's it's temporary. I’m extraordinarily lucky, and recognize that not everyone has the help I do. But if you can,seek out the specific help you need, whether through friends, services, or family. 

Write it out

This may seem like an obvious one for an author, but it didn't occur to me to reinvigorate my practice of keeping a gratitude journal until several months into being in terrible pain. But when I did, I realized how much it helped me remember my passions. It gave me perspective on how wonderful life is. I’ve begun to add to my bucket list as well as set goals for myself for how I can overcome (or at least not be incapacitated by) my pain. Need some help with bucket list ideas? This article can get you started!

The ultimate bucket list!

Say it like you mean it. No, like you REALLY mean it.

Finally, I’ve concentrated heavily on my self-talk.** I’m normally very upbeat and excited to start my day (even if I’m not a morning person and don’t instantly jump out of bed.) And I love Mel Robbins, but right now, I am NOT a 5-second rule person. Instead, I try to engage in positive self-talk for several minutes before getting out of bed. It may sound silly, but I will repeat to myself three or four or ten times (whatever it takes!) things like, “It’s going to be a great day,” or “I’m going to feel better today,” or “I want to hug the boys before they go to school this morning,” or “The sun is shining this morning!” or “I’m going to write a great scene today,” or - and especially motivating - “Kurt is going to give me all sorts of shit if I don’t hit my goals this week” (simple as they are!). For me, these are all inspirations to get up, move through the pain, and engage positively throughout the day. 

When it's overwhelming, try a laugh

All that said, there are those moments where the constant pain simply gets overwhelming. Sometimes it happens unexpectedly, like it did for me after dinner one night. I couldn't sit at the table anymore because of the shooting / burning / ripping pain running down my leg and as I stood up to finish my dinner at the counter, I just…broke down. Kevin helped me lie down and then stayed with me as I explained how, if I drive, I have to count the number of streets and minutes it takes to get somewhere just to keep myself focused. And how I wasn't sure I could make it one more week before seeing the doctor. He listened and held my hand as I cried it out. Because sometimes, crying it out is just all you can do to feel a bit better and see the bright side of life again. 

Then he started to make me laugh, and I realized that humor is perhaps the very best medicine for pain. (And then he turned on Nate Bargatze and the world became brighter still.) 

Because there is always a bright side. For my characters, for my villains, for you, and for me.

Kato is always being ready to step in and offer his help, too.

And if that fails, there’s this little guy (welcome, Oakley!).

As Kurt says, "Squeeze life like a lemon."

I've learned now that when I write the inevitable pain and/or torture scene for my characters, it’ll come from a place of knowing. When my characters experience pain, I’ll have shared it at some level.  When they suffer, I’ll understand their suffering differently. When they feel alone and isolated and cut off from the world, I’ll be able to remember that they aren’t, and I’ll try to bring them humor to get past their deepest hurts. They - hopefully just like you and I - have people around them who care, who will fight all odds and do whatever it takes to see them through and get them to a better place. 

For those of you experiencing massive and chronic pain, I’m fighting with you. I'm hoping for and encouraging you (even if it comes out as a grunt). Let’s take one day at a time, together, and remember, even if the lemon we’re squeezing doesn’t look or feel like the lemon we wanted or planned on, we can still do as Kurt says and squeeze life as much as we can with what we’ve got. I’ll bring the sugar and water and we’ll have ourselves some lemonade. Maybe you’ll have yours in your zero-gravity chair. Maybe you’ll have it in bed.

Me? I’ll salute your health from the floor. 

Onwards, together.

*The US Department of Veterans Affairs has put out an excellent guidebook on Brief Cognitive Behavioral Therapy to be used in conjunction with treatment from a physician and/or behavioral health provider.

**Here’s an awesome, in-depth article from the PositivePsychology.com on self-talk, and the site offers three Self Compassion exercises that you can download for free. It’s an excellent resource!

Cover photo credit Joyce Hankins.