Roll rivalry. (Or, is my mother a nutter?!)

I love when characters in books (or real life!) have quirky or surprising traits. Author Lee Childs' character Jack Reacher never seems to keep clothes for more than a few days, preferring to dump the old and buy new ones. Russell Crowe is a knitter; I can just imagine him dressed as The Gladiator or Zeus sporting a pair of knitting needles in between takes . 

Which leads me to the quirk one of my characters has: toilet paper direction. 

Yes, really. Because in my house, it matters. 

I am an “over” person. 

My mother, who lives with me and my little family, is an “under” person. 

You, being highly intelligent and insightful, immediately sussed the massive problem, didn’t you?

There is a well and lively toilet paper debate in the world, in case you didn’t know. I mean, truly, that’s the issue of the ages. Climate change? Bah. Too much plastic in the environment? Whatever. Tsunami off the coast of Japan? They’re tough.

My stance? For the record, Dayman343 said it in his post, not me. 

The cats-pull-the-toilet-paper argument is moot. My dog eats it regardless of the direction.

You: “Wait, did Kelly just say her mother is a psychopath?!”*

Well, I’m not the one with the “under” issue, am I?  (And anyway, Dayman343 did, not me.)

Here’s the problem: my mother insists on remaining an “under” person. She, my hubby, and our two (frighteningly prolific) young poopers share spaces like the downstairs powder room. She’s outnumbered, 4:1, in favor of “overs.” People who want the toilet paper to be “over.” 

And yet, when she changes the roll, she puts it under. 

This means that, even though a disproportionately significant amount of time - 90% or more, even - the toilet paper is spent in my favored position, and even though my husband and boys and I have the distinct advantage over my poor nutter mother, it still pisses me off when she changes the roll and puts it under. 

Maybe I’m nervous her insane tendencies will wear off on other things, like OH MY GOD…

There you have it. She wrapped the cupboards as presents at Christmas-time. We’re doomed. 

I weighed in with her on this topic and she defended her “under” position. “It’s convenient when you’re sitting and you don’t see the messy toilet paper if it tears wrong.” 

See that? She sounds so deceptively reasonable about it! Clear dysfunctional behavior. I, on the other hand, have far more distinguished reasons for my “over” proclivity: entertainment. 

In case you forgot your phone, you can always play a toilet paper game on the loo.

This truly has nothing to do with hygiene (where I’m mostly** certain that “over” again rules). It has nothing to do with the fact that the 1857 inventor, Joseph Gayetty, assuredly would have said it goes “over.” (It’s neither here nor there that Gayetty actually sold the original toilet paper in flat-packed sheets.*** Don’t try to change the subject.) And it has nothing to do with my control issues. I’m sure of it. (Even if I've secretly used a bit more on a roll to finish it so that I can put it "over" before she has a chance to put it "under.")

At the end of the day, the “over v. under” debate all comes down to engineering. BFW Marcum’s Mr. X engineer uses masterful, math-phobe-centric language like “friction coefficient” and “tensile strength” to effectively argue the case for “over.”

So there we go. If we don’t directly count Gayetty (oh, fine, but I’m counting Wheeler - see ***), then hygiene and engineering go to Kelly. Oh, and Mom being a nutcase.  (Dayman343 said it, not me.) So-called convenience and aesthetics (I guess) go to Mom. Clearly I win with my far superior reasons, which is why I will continue to preempt my mother in changing the toilet paper! 

Do you live with a toilet paper control freak? Tell me your story!

P.S. You didn't actually take this seriously, right?

In case you missed it, there were several asterisky disclaimers:

* My mother is NOT a nutter, I assure you. She has approved this blog. And she's awesome.

** I had a fascinatingly difficult adventure finding a source file for the “over paper hygiene” dispute. Long and short? People do a shit job of citing sources. Pun intended. 

*** Just for fun: Sam Wheeler was actually the one to patent the perforated toilet paper roll, but not for many years after Gayetty invented it. And guess what? His drawings for the patent showed…yep…an “over” orientation. Ha!

Photo credit Daniel Cheung